“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
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[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
It was worth a shot 😂
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]