Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

That lamp looks PISSED.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*