How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Word.
~ Microsoft.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function