“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Kids, do not try this at home!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.