How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
not seeing the problem
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
…..pretty much.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Happy Friday
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”