How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 馃檮
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where鈥檚 my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother鈥檚 Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here鈥檚 a dozen cupcakes.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
2025: The pi帽atas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I鈥檒l buy you black tar heroin.