Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

describing stardew valley

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.