How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wait a minute…
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.