how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Think I pulled my liver
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.