How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.