How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.


I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.


How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now


It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.


Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.


If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam


As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it


[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa