How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me, flirting😏
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.