@sbellelauren
@Reverend_Scott can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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@Reverend_Scott 
@AndyRichter In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
@ThisOneSayz Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
@Cheeseboy22 Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
@SoFarFetchd What if the weather talks about us?
@1evilidiot You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
@TheAlexP [at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
@Clanopath If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
@JayMindX “Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
@SkinnerSteven I falcon love using swear birds