how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more