@sbellelauren

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

You Might Also Like

@ShesAllNat

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

@thedailymarker

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@GDUB18T

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

@Not_From_Troy

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

@roxiqt

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.