how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

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In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.


Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.


Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.


You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.


[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no


If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.


“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.