Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.