@sbellelauren
@ShesAllNat Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
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@ShesAllNat 
@thedailymarker When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
@TheAlexNevil Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
@kelkulus My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
@GDUB18T If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
@Not_From_Troy My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
@LithiumJunkie There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
@kimquindlen Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
@roxiqt Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.