How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?


“Do you believe in evolution?”
“Global warming?”
“Racial Equality?”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”


I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom


The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind


April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.


4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.


My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday


As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.


Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.