How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*