How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?