How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
it must be school picture day
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……