How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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the composer
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.