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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.