How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Wait for it
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.