How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.


me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia


I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*


After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.


Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.