I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.