@alexjmann

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

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@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@SouthernCharmSD

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

@Shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@Jake_Vig

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

@TheRolo

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

@Elizasoul80

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

@MattMcElaney

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.