@gavinprobably

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

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@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@mjkspeaks

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

@WalkingOutside

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

@gidget_76

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@LEJ88

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@thomas_violence

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop