How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.