How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.