How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
This raises questions
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app