How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.