Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.