[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.