@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

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@GNCordova

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

@girlnarly

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

@greenteam15

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

@LibertyLayne01

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

@joshgondelman

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

@rebrafsim

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.