How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I forgot how to panic. Help
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.