@mrjohndarby [god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
@robdelaney How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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@mrjohndarby 
@GNCordova It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
@girlnarly woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
@greenteam15 Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
@HomeProbably Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
@LibertyLayne01 When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
@joshgondelman “At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
@rebrafsim Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
@envydatropic *Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
@Donna_McCoy My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.