How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.