How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours