How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER