“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*Seductively hides in the woods
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane