How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
vegan witches, happy halloween!
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”