“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
This is what makes twitter great
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕