How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
This is my favorite one of these!
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
These dogs look like they have good credit.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Fight club member:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider