How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now