I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them
-Lord of the Onion Rings
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*