How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar