“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,