How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset