How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
britain’s three elite institutions
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.