How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!