How do dragons blow out candles?
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.