How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
this is me
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.