how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Can’t. About to go please some beans
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza