How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
blocked.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.