*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Heroic Misunderstanding
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely