How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”