@Elizasoul80 *exercises sarcastically*
@BabyFishMouth5 How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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@Elizasoul80 
@Tbone7219 You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
@bigmacher If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
@daemonic3 “I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
@MomofTeen For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
@LloBrow 
@daemonic3 [at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
@Owl_Meat [Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
@IamJackBoot Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
@shesananteater My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.