How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

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You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.


If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.


For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.


[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*


[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*


Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?


My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.