@BabyFishMouth5

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

You Might Also Like

@Tbone7219

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

@bigmacher

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

@MomofTeen

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

@Owl_Meat

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

@IamJackBoot

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

@shesananteater

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.