How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?