How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)