How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I think they could have phrased this better
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep