How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?