@frankzulla You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
@nowme_datta How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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@frankzulla 
@SketchesbyBoze the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
@whatsJo Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
@SavageDabs69 I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
@david8hughes [wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
@CrackedIllusion There is no “ea” in Tim.
@TheAlexNevil *brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
@Tmoney68 Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
@sophielou Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
@JasonNotEvil I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying