How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.


the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook


Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket


I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.


[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”


Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.


Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.