How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.