How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
What a chick magnet..
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
whatcha thinkin bout
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
OH. COME. ON.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night