how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”