how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
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In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
No laws when master is gone
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Previously On Persistence 😎
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
How animals would run if they were human
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.